What's Up With Me

Honestly guys, I haven't been too well.... The past two months have been really hard on me and really my whole family. A lot has happened this year most of it good, some really bad. I feel like I haven't accomplished much this year. So much this year I have just spent my days in bed... Doing literally nothing. Yeah, yeah I'll give myself a pass (especially for the past two months) because really I COULDN'T do anything. I just felt sad. I felt like it was wrong to try to feel better. I don't deserve to feel better. I don't know.... I guess you reading probably don't understand, but I felt like it would be wrong to be happy, or laugh when I've lost so much. Yeah, it was hard to be happy, but also I didn't want to be happy. Because I was sad; I wanted to feel sad and I did. I still do. Now I'm really trying to be more happy. Not being productive and just laying around being sad isn't going the fix anything. All I'll accomplish is wasting my life away. I don't want that. I also don't want my family and friends to always thinking of my as "the sad girl". I don't want to be that person that makes everyone sad to be around, ya know? I don't want people to feel bad for me either. Yeah, it's nice when people help out when I'm not feeling well, but I don't want people to listen to me, or help me JUST because they feel bad for me. How do I fix that? Duh, not be sad all the time. As of right now I'm MAKING myself do things. MAKING myself get out of bed, take care of my animals, wash my face, eat food, write this blog post... I know myself; if I don't MAKE myself do things I will stay this depressed bum forever. That's just what I do. I'm actually proud of myself right now because I'm making myself get out of the house at least twice a week now. I wasn't even doing that before all this crap happened, so I think I'm doing better. Some days are better than others, and some days I do still lay around and just let myself feel sad, but I'm trying to get better about how much I let myself go.

Anyway this is a really boring post. This is just some things that are going around in my brain at the moment and I thought I'd write about it. Just pray for me please

-Amy